by Malcolm Rowe

The Lord of the Rings, in review

The Fellowship of the Ring, re-enacted with
Lego characters.
The Fellowship of the Ring, by Andrew Becraft (used under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)

Adam Cadre summarises The Lord of the Rings, the film, without — shock, horror — having first read The Lord of the Rings, the book:

There are another couple of characters in this section who seem important. One is the elf king, Agent Smith. He has pointy ears (plastic) and pointy eyebrows (plastic? CGI? real? I dunno). The other is Liv Tyler. Her job is to make moon eyes with Ted Striker and have backlit smoochies with him for two of the series’s 600+ minutes. Liv and Ted apparently have some kind of history together but if we ever learn what it is I don’t remember it. They are in love, though it’s the sort of love that involves exchanges of trinkets in lieu of any sort of ongoing relationship. Also when they’re together a high-pitched choir sings in the background, but the high-pitched choir sings in the background for about seven hours of the running time so that might not signify anything.
Adam Cadre, The Lord of the Rings

Best. Movie. Review. Ever.

Except: Adam seems to think that the reason he’s confused is because he hasn’t read the book. It’s not. I’ve read LotR twice — most recently, a few months before seeing the first of the films — and I had exactly the same reaction to some parts.

In fact, I also looked up The Two Towers in Wikipedia to see if I could work out which towers the title referred to (spoiler: pick any two of five).

… though I did know that it was spelled “Ents”, not “Ants”.